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AARON TIMMS

08 Aug, 2008 10:00 PM

GOLF

US PGA Championship. Second round.

Fox Sports 1, 3-9am.

FOOTBALL

Pre-season friendly. Ajax v Arsenal.

Setanta Sports, 5-7.20am.

OLYMPICS

Seven coverage includes women's basketball, cycling (men's road race), rowing, shooting, weightlifting, gymnastics, beach volleyball and equestrian. SBS coverage includes men's road race, football, beach volleyball, basketball and boxing. With Ian Thorpe retired, Grant Hackett separated from the buttless chaps that brought him so much luck in Athens, Jana Rawlinson and Nathan Deakes injured and the world-class self-delusion machine that is John Steffensen refusing to play to form by pledging to shake off injuries, lack of form and the presence of a thousand better competitors to claim victory in the men's 400 metres, Australia is staring down the mouth of medals tally Armageddon at Beijing 2008. Sure, we've got Craig Mottram, and few would seriously take issue with the contention that Kristian Sarkies is this hemisphere's answer to Leo Messi, but those notable exceptions aside, things are looking bleak. So how could we improve? Well, this column has a radical suggestion: we could stop focusing on sports that lots of countries are good at, and start focusing on sports that only dorks want to play. Think about it. From fencing to badminton, softball and equestrian, half the sports at the Olympics have the stench of Kanga cricket about them - a battery of safety-first events designed to "include" the figurative library dorks of the Olympic community and appease them into thinking they're actually perfectly functioning members of society, rather than unco-ordinated nongs with no chance at integration and little to look forward to in life beyond romantic failure, ritual humiliation, misery and death. These events, without exception, denote some form of dysfunction on the part of their participants. People fence because they don't have the guts to be fully functioning members of society. People play badminton as a way of coming to terms with their failure as humans. People get into softball as a refuge from existence. This is another way of saying that as a child, we used to play badminton. And what a joyous, joyous thing it was (he says, settling back into his divan like Uncle Monty from Withnail & I ) to be in the blossom of youth in the 1980s, unstained by vice and guilt, robed in nothing but polyester white shorts and the goodwill of mankind, and free to romp around a court all day in pursuit of a cock. Ahhhhhhhhh yes, they were truly golden times. But that's not the point. The point is that these sports are easy. So why is the government pumping our hard-earned cash into pointless pursuits such as swimming and athletics - areas where the competition for medals is notoriously fierce - when all we'd need to do is shell out a couple of grand for a few badminton kits and get Jana Rawlinson, Tamsyn Lewis, Kaz Patafta and Chris Guccione fitted up for short shorts to be guaranteed an instant four medals in the badminton? As Baron Pierre de Coubertin once said, "The point of the Olympics is to put your athletes into the events where they're going to have the least competition." Refocusing Australian sport policy on to these dork sports will ensure that, come London 2012, we're top of the world once more.

Channel Seven, 6-8am, 10.50am-6pm, 6.30pm-2am; SBS, 11am-7pm, 8pm-2am.

BASEBALL

Major League. Boston Red Sox v Chicago White Sox.

ESPN, 10am-1pm.

AFL

Carlton v Port Adelaide. Channel Ten, 2-5pm. Hawthorn v Brisbane.

Fox Sports 1, 2-5pm.

RUGBY

Shute Shield. Warringah v Randwick.

ABC1, 3-5pm.

LEAGUE

Warriors v Broncos (Toyota Cup) from 3. Warriors v Broncos (first grade) from 5.30. Viewers' choice: Sharks v Rabbitohs or Bulldogs v Cowboys from 7.30. Has there ever been a better week for text messages in the history of rugby league? First lawyers for the NRL spent much of the week firing off messages to Sonny Bill Williams in a vain and frankly quite hilarious attempt to serve him, via SMS, with the originating process for the action they have taken against Williams in the NSW Supreme Court. On The Box has received some fairly weird things on its mobile phone over the years, but never before has a statement of claim and volume of affidavits in support lobbed into our inbox). Then Steve Folkes got in on the funky, tech-savvy, key demo, 18-25, young-at-heart, gen-Y act, pulling off an astonishing fusion of the moral high ground and illiteracy with a tart, 62-word "up yours" text message to Sonny Bill Williams that will live long in the minds of many league fans. Let's analyse the key sentences in detail. "Sonny this is the worst decision of yr life." Really? We would have thought having an altercation with Candice Falzon in the toilets at the Clovelly Hotel was maybe slightly worse. Or are we just jealous? Last time we used the toilets at the Clovelly, the only "action" we got was when some pissed English backpacker squinted at us over the top of the soap dispenser, looked like he was about to spew, righted himself, and said, "Y'oright?" Hot. "You hav allowed others to run yr life." Incorrect - Williams has allowed others to give him a lift to the airport. What was the guy meant to do - get a cab? When Anthony Mundine rolls past your front door and says, "Hop in," you don't say no. "I am lost for words." A patent untruth, as the rest of Folkes's message demonstrates. "I hope u no wat yr doing." Ummmm … we reckon he'd probably have a pretty good idea, Steve. Or did Williams read that part of the message, take a moment to absorb the implications, and suddenly shout, "Shit! I thought Mundine was just giving me a lift to Bulldogs training - and now you mean to say that instead of driving straight to Belmore, I've boarded a flight to Europe, been handed a French visa, zipped over to Toulon and started a career as a rugby union player in the south of France instead? How come nobody told me?" And anyway, there is a broader point - isn't the real question not whether Williams "nos" "wat" he's doing, but whether Folkes "nos" how silly his SMS abbreviations have made him look? I mean, really - if you're going to call someone's integrity into question, brand them a traitor and tell them they are doomed to live a lonely, friendless, unfulfilled existence, you should at least have the courtesy to spell out the word "know" properly. True abuse needs full sentences. In conclusion, therefore, we would just like to say the following: "Folkesy, this is the worst spelt msg of yr life. You hav allowed others to dictate sms spelling conventions for yr life. On The Box feels betrayed personally. We r lost for words - and lost for a dictionary to check the words' spelling with. We hope u no wat yr doing. Mr imptantly, we hope u no how to spell it. We cannot stick up for u on this one - mainly, like we say, bcoz of the whole lost dictionary thing."

Fox Sports 2, 3-9.30pm.

LAWN BOWLS Queensland Open. Women's semi-finals.

ABC1, 5-6pm.

AFL

Sydney v Fremantle. Fox Sports Plus (518), 7-10pm. Collingwood v St Kilda.

Fox Sports 1, 7-10pm; Channel Ten, 7.30-10.30pm.

CRICKET

England v South Africa. Fourth Test. Day three.

Fox Sports 3, 9pm-3am.

FOOTBALL

Scottish Premier League. Falkirk v Rangers.

Setanta Sports, 9.30pm-midnight.

FOOTBALL

English Championship. Birmingham v Sheffield United.

Fox Sports 1, 10pm-midnight.

RUGBY

South Africa v Argentina. As Sonny Bill prepares for the first rugby union match of his life, we thought we'd do the man a favour by offering him a quick, alphabetically arranged guide to some essential components of the sport. Breakdown. In most rugby-playing countries, breakdowns involve the player with the ball being tackled and placing the ball back so that his teammates can gather round him, protect the ball, consolidate their field position and launch another phase of attack. In Australia, a more witty approach is taken, whereby the player is tackled, gets caught with his back to his own team, fails to place the ball back, spills possession, and play, literally, "breaks down". Think about it and you'll appreciate the gag more. Coaches. These are best recruited from New Zealand, though not so much now that they've lost us our 15th game overseas in a row and failed to break the Eden Park hoodoo (22 years, and we've hardly even noticed - truly, the pain is impalpable). John Eales. Don't let the fact that he talks a little like a drag queen put you off - in the days when the Wallabies were world champions on the back of their ability to score not very many tries and defend on their own line for 75 minutes, this guy used to be big. Also, don't forget: Darren Lockyer has a slightly funny voice, too. It's a common theme across the codes: talking funny and playing pretty go hand in hand. Line-outs. Broadly speaking, line-outs serve two purposes. In New Zealand, South Africa, England, France and much of the rest of the rugby world, these set plays are mainly used as a counter-attacking platform, usually after the opposition has kicked the ball into touch deep in the throwing side's own territory. In Australia, they're used mainly as a reverse-psychological weapon for gifting possession to the opposition from about five metres out. The Wallabies, always at the vanguard of human rights and sport, have also highlighted the potential of these set pieces as a tool for affirmative action by handing jumping duties for their own line-outs exclusively to the short, the flat-footed, and the unathletic - groups that have traditionally been marginalised from this area of play. Scrums. These are mainly designed to give the fat guys a rest mid-match. Essentially, the procedure goes a little like this: the fats gather in the middle of the field, crouch low to the ground, touch arms, lean on each other, then all lie down simultaneously. Five minutes later, once everyone has had a good nap and the mohawked South African emo that the IRB has drafted in as referee for the match has delivered a soothing monologue on arms and binding rules, everyone gets up and the game continues. If in doubt, collapse in a heap and yell, "I can't breathe!" That's what we always used to do - and look where it got us. Incredible.

Fox Sports 2, 11pm-1am.

AND ON RADIO … Racing.

2KY, noon-midnight.

702 ABC, noon-10pm. Grandstand. Includes Olympics coverage from 2, Warriors v Broncos from 5.30 and Sharks v Rabbitohs from 7.30.

630 ABC NewsRadio, 7-10pm. Sydney v Fremantle. SUNDAY GAELIC FOOTBALL

Setanta Sports, 1-3am.

GOLFUS PGA Championship. Third round.

Fox Sports 2, 1-9am.

FOOTBALL

Pre-season friendlies. Arsenal v Sevilla. Ajax v Inter from 5.15.

Setanta Sports, 3-7.15am.

BASEBALL

US Major League. Chicago Cubs v St Louis.

Fox Sports 3, 5.30-9am.

'FUN' RUN

2008 City to Surf.

Channel Ten, 8.30-10am.

MOTOR SPORT

Kentucky IndyCar 300.

ESPN, 8.30-10.30am.

OLYMPICS

Seven's morning coverage includes men's 400m individual medley, men's 400m freestyle, women's 400m individual medley, and women's 4x100m freestyle (morning session); evening coverage includes rowing, men's football (Australia v Argentina), swimming (women's 100m backstroke, men's 200m freestyle, women's 100m breaststroke, men's 100m backstroke, women's 400m freestyle, men's 4x100m freestyle relay), women's gymnastics, women's hockey (Australia v Korea), men's basketball, and boxing. SBS coverage includes water polo, volleyball, boxing and cycling (women's road race). The Chinese government, we have been told repeatedly, has spent much of the lead-up to the Olympics trying to clean up the at times hilariously mistranslated "Chinglish" signs dotted around Beijing. Unlike some other weekend sport TV listings columns around town (you know who you are - we don't), On The Box has never succumbed to the snooty, schoolboy, giggle-behind-the-hand temptation to belittle China on the basis of these shockingly poor English translations. Not for us the cheap thrill of guffawing over a meal of "diaphragm with its companion", "burned meat cake", or "young chicken without sex". No, when we eat diaphragm, we embrace the inclusion of its companion on the plate; when we pine for meat cake, we pine for it burnt; and when we order chicken, we expect the sex to come as a side. The sign outside this restaurant, on the other hand, might need some work.

Channel Seven, 9.30am-3pm, 6.30pm-2am; SBS, 11am-7pm, 8pm-1am.

LEAGUE

Raiders v Panthers (Toyota Cup) from 11.30. Raiders v Panthers (first grade) from 2.

Fox Sports 2, 11.30am-4pm.

AFL

North Melbourne v Western Bulldogs. West Coast v Essendon from 4.30.

Fox Sports 1, 1-7.30pm.

AFL

Adelaide v Richmond.

Channel Seven, 3-6pm.

LEAGUE

Roosters v Eels.